The Caregiver Guide - Deal with Caregiver Anger & Resentment

Caregiving has become “big business” in the US, indeed worldwide. Spiraling medical costs and an aging population have forced many people to resort to caring for elderly and infirm loved ones. According to a National Alliance for Caregiving infographic, more than 53 million Americans provided unpaid care to an adult or a child with special needs in 2020. No doubt this figure has risen quite substantially since then. A 2023 update by AARP values the work done by family caregivers at $600 billion for 2021. Big business, indeed.

However, there’s a dark cloud to this silver lining. Caregiving may be a noble and rewarding role, but it’s also a selfless sacrifice. It’s mentally and physically challenging. Sometimes extremely so. Caregivers often have to balance their own personal, professional, and family obligations with the demands of caring for a loved one who may have physical, mental, or emotional difficulties. The same infographic we referred to earlier quotes:

21% of caregivers reported their own health being fair to poor,

45% have suffered some financial impact,

26% are finding it difficult to coordinate their caregiver duties and

61% are working.

It’s hardly a surprise that many caregivers experience a roller coaster of emotions, including caregiver anger and resentment. Given these statistics, the feelings seem entirely normal and understandable. The problem is they can affect the quality of care and the well-being of both the caregiver and the care recipient. It’s important, therefore, that caregivers recognize the signs of anger and resentment, understand their causes, and learn how to cope with them in healthy ways.

We will now explore some aspects of caregiving that can trigger or exacerbate anger and resentment and discuss tips and strategies to help you overcome them effectively.

Radical Role Change

Becoming a caregiver brings about a profound change in one’s role. You go from being a spouse, a child, a sibling, or a friend to being a caregiver or a nurse. When you become a caregiver, you’re likely to have to rearrange your own life and commitments very quickly to be able to accommodate the caregiving responsibilities. This is bound to alter the dynamics of your relationship, affect your sense of identity, and possibly even create a feeling of loss or grief. You may also, at times, feel hopeless and lost. A natural progression from here will often be caregiver anger and resentment. Let’s look at some coping mechanisms:

·      Acknowledge the feelings and bring them out into the open. Talk to someone you trust, join a support group or seek professional help. You cannot confront a problem unless you own up to it.

·      Maintain your interests and hobbies as much as you can. This will help you preserve your sense of self and provide an outlet for stress relief.

·      Set boundaries on what you can and cannot do as a caregiver. Be realistic about your abilities and resources, and do not hesitate to ask for help when you need it.

·      Communicate openly and respectfully with your loved one about your expectations and needs. Try to preserve the positive aspects of your relationship and show appreciation for each other.

Neglected Personal Needs

As a caregiver, it’s almost a given that some of your personal needs may fall by the wayside. These can include physical, emotional, social, financial, or spiritual needs that are neglected or sacrificed due to time taken up by your caregiving responsibilities, and the effects of the physical and emotional strain. For example, you may feel angry if you do not get enough sleep, exercise, or nutrition; if you do not have time or energy for yourself or your other relationships; if you struggle with money or legal issues; or if you feel isolated or unsupported.

·           Prioritize your self-care and well-being. Ensure you get enough rest, eat well, stay hydrated, exercise regularly, and see your doctor when needed.

·           Seek emotional support from others who understand your situation. Reach out to family members, friends, neighbors or co-workers or join a support group.

·           Maintain or expand your social network. Connect with others who share your interests or values. You can join a club, a class or a volunteer group.

·           Explore financial assistance and legal resources available for caregivers and care recipients. You can contact local agencies, organizations, or programs that offer information, guidance, or benefits.

Unrealistic expectations

Many caregivers have unrealistic expectations of themselves, their loved ones, or others involved in the patient’s care. In a perfect world, you would be able to do everything perfectly, your patient would appreciate you or cooperate with you at all times and other family members or professionals would share the burden equally. This is not a perfect world, and these expectations will probably only disappoint you, even to the point of caregiver anger and resentment.

·           Accept that you’re not a superhero and adjust your goals accordingly. Recognize that caregiving is difficult and that there will be challenges and frustrations along the way.

·           Be compassionate and forgiving toward yourself and others. Do not blame yourself or anyone else for things beyond your control or influence.

·           Play to your strengths, and don’t fret about what you cannot do. Celebrate your achievements and acknowledge the efforts and contributions of others.

·           Communicate clearly and assertively with others about your expectations and needs. Do not make assumptions or judgments without verifying them first.

·           Compromise when necessary. Try to find solutions that work for everyone involved and respect their opinions and preferences.

Lack of recognition

As a caregiver, you will probably feel unappreciated or unrecognized for your effort and sacrifice at times. You may feel angry if your loved one does not thank you or acknowledge your efforts, if other family members or professionals do not value your input or expertise or if society does not support or reward your role.

·           Appreciate yourself and recognize your own worth as a caregiver. Remind yourself of the positive impact you have on your loved one’s life and well-being.

·           Share your stories and experiences with others who can relate to your situation. Write a blog, make a video, join a support group or workshop, or participate in a campaign.

·           Reward yourself and celebrate your achievements as a caregiver. Treat yourself occasionally to something you enjoy, such as a massage, a movie, a meal, or a gift, or do something that makes you happy, such as traveling, gardening, reading, or dancing.

Conclusion

As we’ve seen from the statistics quoted earlier, the burden of caregiving will eventually wear most people down. Feelings of caregiver anger and resentment are almost inevitable, especially for long-term caregivers. Harnessing some of the techniques we’ve touched on here may help you overcome or manage these feelings. Something you must never forget is that you’re not on this journey alone, even if it feels that way sometimes.

At LL Medico, we understand what you’re going through. We have over 25 years of experience supporting older people and their caregivers with equipment and supplies that help them live the best life possible. Let us take one of your burdens off your shoulders.

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